i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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