My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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