Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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