Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize