My friends, they love my intelligence
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
