I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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