i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
