He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
