he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
