She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
