maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My pussy is not your playground.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
