ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
