hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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