i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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