my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
