He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Found your dick twin last night
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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