wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
