dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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