Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
