So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
