so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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