Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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