i already hear my dad disowning me
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
