It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My hand turned me down
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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