i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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