Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
