ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Mom said you looked used
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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