I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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