I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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