12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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