I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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