my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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