I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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