coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
