We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You are the jesus of drinking
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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