No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize