I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
