dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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