I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just wanna soil my oats bro
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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