I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Even my vagina gasped.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You pole danced in your parka.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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