im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
