Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
