we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
