and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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