this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
