I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
