I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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