if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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