Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So many bounce houses so little time
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
