I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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