A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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