she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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