If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
