I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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