There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
