i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
